I wanna go home. Life is hard. I’m 19 years old working two jobs whilst getting back into college, God willing. After the first 19 years of my life, though, you would think home is the last place I would wanna be, and it is, but I also want to be there. I don’t know if it’s simply the prospect of having “a home” to go to, or if I actually want the people and the place back. I doubt the latter, not to say I hate anyone to my knowledge. I’ve just had some bad experiences [and I assume I will write about them more at a later time.]
Home. What is it? Safety. Love. Irrational, yet most rational. Sure, I have a home beyond the sky, and I have friends, and I live in a house. But I’m not okay with falling asleep and not having that deeper relationship that people have. So what do I do with my time? Write. And write. And write. I don’t stop sometimes. That’s all I can do. It seems pointless to go around moping to people about my problems, which are majorly psychological, and they are many, because it doesn’t change anything, ’cause I will still long for something.
But then, that begs the question: what am I longing for in reality? Do I really know? Is it obvious, or is it something that’s hiding in plain sight? Who am I making my king? Am I placing someone else on the throne in my heart in rebellion against an almighty God? When I feel worthless, do I really believe it, or is it just that my worth is being hidden? When I feel alone, is there someone trying to keep me from love in between? I think I miss the point. A lot. I think that all the times I get down like this, I’m missing the point.
Is God really all we need? Am I ignorant of this? Is this somehow hidden from me, or is it as evident as the sun in the day and the moon at night? Is there someone else who is worthy or is the blood of Christ the most powerful thing to ever be unleashed on the face of the earth? Is worthlessness an illusion created by simply being too tired to be able to think and see straight? Is loneliness merely relative to how much faith we have in a Lord? I know I miss the point.
Home is something we all seek for, whether we all admit to it or not. It’s like the anarchy paradox. Anarchy is not chaos because chaos is not chaotic. It has a distinct pattern, although it’s not the kind of pattern that we can generally track, but a simple one: destroy anything in your way. It doesn’t work that way though, because that would mean that if you were successful, everything around us would be dead or deconstructed. All structure would be dismantled. But that in and of itself is a structure. After all, what reason could there be to annihilate governments but to impose your own? Power is imposed for the sake of control. If there is nothing left to control, though, you are left out of control, thus creating anarchy in a way unintended. It essentially would defeat itself were it allowed to. That’s the thing. You can’t take power from an infinite God. You cannot create perfection that already exists. And as many times as we try, these plans we make here, these dreams we have about how things should be… even if they DO end up getting fulfilled, we have this viral tendency to consume everything in our path to fill a void that cannot be filled here. Only an infinite source can balance hellish nightmares and bring peace to the seas we are doomed to sail until we find shore, praying to God the ship holds through storms and tsunamis. And it’s true. There will be nightmares worse than I can imagine that will come to people other than myself. And that’s the point. There are tons of people in ships all over the place. They’re being thrown around by waves and battled by other ships that see them as a threat. But they’re wrong. We weren’t put here to destroy each other, but to seek home together, to be one. Wasn’t it Jesus who prayed over the disciples to give them unity between themselves in Him? doesn’t every single epistle refer to some form of togetherness that the church had? didn’t we get told to teach others of this peace we have found in togetherness? doesn’t the cross have some EFFECT?
We have a home. We are not alone. Find it in Christ. He is the wellspring of everything we need. If we need a wife, He will provide. Food. Healing. Clothing. Foresight. Money for bills. Friends. Family. Love. Laughter. Even the tears come from Him as a way to heal, letting out the gunk stuck in our wounds, infecting us, making us sick. It’s all in His hands. Be still, and know that He is God. He is not going to let this end before fighting to the death for us. He already did that, and it’s still not over. I’m lonely, but I’m not alone. Cast down, but not broken. Persecuted, but not abandoned.
Love, in sincerity and in truth.
Check out I Corinthians 4 for more encouragement.